No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
