fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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