ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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