Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
