if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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