I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
