gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
