omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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