I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
