what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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