Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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