i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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