Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
