Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
