Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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