If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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