I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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