I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
