I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
