is your mom at the bar?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
