OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have aggressive nipples.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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