If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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