dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
