matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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