I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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