I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
