I will die if light touches me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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