First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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