God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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