My Higher Power is John Stamos
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am mentally ready for anal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
