Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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