you traded sex for a burrito?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
