Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
