Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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