the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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