Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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