I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize