In the future we'll all be gay
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
