Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
be right there i have to get my cape
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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