You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
