you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
