What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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