what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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