At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
