We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
