your room smells of hookers.
And success
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
