Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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