just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize