Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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