yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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