So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
