Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
