I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
