she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize