Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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