there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize