My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
