Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
People in love make me want to vomit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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