The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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