i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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