Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
