today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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