my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
