You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
