if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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