I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
