I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
