you traded sex for a burrito?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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