What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
