I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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